so i thought i would post a series of blogs related to what ended up being a bad relationship that may have partly screwed me up for over a year. thankfully i overcame my depression last spring/summer (08). there may be more on the last year to follow. it may not be a smart idea to post all this here... but eh! hopefully i will bury it with better, more positive and recent stuff.
below is the first blog i posted referring to this relationship. orig post date is: 11/1/06...
i text this to someone a few weeks ago. i thought it was... i didnt know what to think, either sweet or pervy? what do you say? anyways here it is
"i cant wait"
i cant wait to wake up with you next to me, i cant wait to see you.
i cant wait to feel you next to me, i cant wait to feel you all over me, feel your lips, tongue, your whole mouth on my body
i cant wait to taste you, taste your lps, neck, chest, your breastes (lol) taste your whole body. i cant wait to feel you hold me as i hold you.
i cant wait to smell your scent as you wae me up in such ways, to smell your scent when i go to bed tomorow. i cant wait
this next bit is something i wrote in a notebook during class one day, and converted to blog on: 3/6/07
DIE BITCH DIE!
I did not fuck up.
Ida is a Bitch
I did not screw up, Ida did.
Ida is a BITCH.
now Ida MUST DIE!?!?
NOTE: this blog is over a year old and describes how i felt at the time and acted as a vent (todays date: 1/08 orig date of blog about 2/07
below is the story behind the above. i think the date is the same...
Yea um so you must be wondering by now "what the hell is wrong with this guy and why does he want some bitch dead?" well easy, the bitch ripped my heart and ate it! Here is how.... (btw this is a long one, you may wanna print it up)
We first met ooo soo innocently back when we were toddlers, and then my folks moved when the 2 of us were 3 (so she says). I saw her for a couple follow up b-day parties (she says again) and once around 8th or 9th grade (she is only older than I by 1 1/2 mnths).
Fast forward to late August '06: I am leaving my Drs office in the elevator and see a girl. I check her out as much as I would any other. A few days later I get an email here on myspace from her...btw a few days - a week or so I searched her too myself, tho I didn't contact her... it is Ida, my long lost "girlfriend" from pre-preschool. We had both never forgotten about each other, how sweet. So yea then we set up a date to meet in public... lord knows how we have both changed over the years, we would only go on to find out the hard way... I found out on this date, and through reading her profile that she was married, though I guess at the time not so happily. I found out too during the date that she was planning to get a divorce in October. During this same date I also told her that I did not have a problem with her being married and those us to be just friends, and that I can find ass someplace else. Yea right! Eventually we started seeing more and more of each other and as it usually goes "one thing lead to another" by mid October.
She eventually learned a few things about me, as did I her.
She found out a long ago ex (Vic) lives in my mothers basement and that she causes issues when I want a new gf over and to watch TV in the living room. Also at some point I would have had told her that I often have attitude/anger problems amongst other medical ones. Another thing she would have learned is that I have trust issues and don't have very many friends, or people that I would call friends. She also found out that I have a problem with a certain word and that it is the ULTIMATE 4-letter word: love. Love is a word I never plan to use unless I meant it.
I learned that her family and friends were her 1 priority in life and I and any bf was 2.
Ok no big deal…I don't know if she understood this: but I had NO FUCKING PROBLEM with this, just give me some time too. Don't call me jealous for this but when I can I like to spend what ever time I can with whoever I am enjoying bein with (non sexual incl.) at the time…
We also learned mutually (and this may be a place I fucked up) that neither of us was ready for a big full on relationship because we were just fresh outta serious ones.
The whole family first for her wasn't a big prob except that we both lead very busy lives. I go to school in northern jersey and work a night job down the shore and split my time between my apartment in Middlesex and parents house in brick. She just started back to school as I met her, and works a full time job somewhere in my Drs office. Really tough to fit dating. So instead most of the time we ended up fucking because we hardly ever had time to go out, and when she came over my ex was up and we couldn't use the living room to just watch TV and do anything less then total full on sex. There even ended up being nights where I would be off and have all the time in the world to her and I would end up getting a call into work. This is what our brief/felt good relationship went. Oh yea! I forgot to mention a lil thing she would do: butter me up. see I don't always have the greatest self esteem, and not for this reason she started giving me compliments I have hardly ever heard before, and for (what I perceived as) no reason. She gave me reasons to be good in my life and take my meds (don't ask unless you plan on an ltr with me).
Ok so mid November rolls around and I must have gotten a lil demanding about time spent together, and she needed "time to think" so she asked for like a week or two for it. When she told me this I got a bit angry and emotional, i.e. I cryed at work (cause we fought there and I said id see her in another 20 yrs). It was around this time that a (very wise) coworker had told me some very sound advice that I would not believe until a few weeks ago: "when the sex is good/great don't push a relationship."
Anyway so we got back together. But this time it would only last until December 8/9th. It was on the 7th that I worked my last day for that year, and the 8th that I found out I was fired. It was also on the 8th that I made my biggest fucking mistake in the ENTIRE relationship: I started going off on her and beating myself up.
When I first found out I was outta work my first thoughts were "Crap!" and "ooo maybe now I will have some time for Ida. Let's txt her, find out what she is doing and go hang out/date/fuck." And so I did. I kept trying and trying. Even as I drove to the bank I kept calling/txting her to find out. Finally some time before I got to the bank she called me back and told me "hang on! Give me 10 mins I'm taking a bath" (I still don't believe it and have no reason to). So I went into the bank, deposited my 2nd to last pay check and came out to call her, I think I may have driven up the road some, "surely enough time has past to be 10 minutes. Eventually I left her a few nasty v-mails.
Next day round 6am: I don't think I had slept as per my crazy sleep schedule. I finally get a txt and call from her. She can't talk much, she is in the car with her friend in commute to Phila. for class. 8-9am: I am over tired and still pissed and paranoid at Ida for barely answering/talking to me. I know she is in class so I don't call, I just send txt msgs. Angry, rude, mean txt messages: whore, bitch, cunt, slut, you were never raised right; you will end up a slut like I had often believed her mother to be (tho at some point I'm sure she had told me otherwise). I said things like "all those compliments/butter-ups were lies" "I bet you wouldn't even care if I killed myself" only to get a response of "not after what you just said!" in my mind this kinda stuff had worked before. But in reality it didn't and I was just beating myself up over having lost my job and not believing someone that was good in my life. I told her when she complimented me, 'I have trust issues'. Eventually when she totally gave up on me that day, I had a total break down, the biggest (and i'm not too ashamed to say this) cry I had in ALONG time! And fell asleep finally.
She didn't communicate with me again that weekend. I thought she had and deleted her profile. I eventually figured it turned out to be emails from bots on myspace and that tom had deleted them soon after.
So ya say: that was it right? Wrong. I thought I would give it a couple weeks and try an apology. So how did I apologize? First I found out from as many possible sources the best way: roses/her favorite flower/a plant and/or a hand written note, over a typed or email. So being as I forgot what her flower was, and that Christmas was near I opted for the note and a poinsettia plant. I wrote a 2-3 page apology/explanation/hate note and bought a plant on my way to her grandparents' house. Why her grandparents house? Because like I said earlier her and her husband were splits, (and didn't mention this) now didn't live in the same house I had been to before. Why not work or have a delivery there? Because a. I didn't wanna make a scene, and b. I didn't have the type of money for a flower guy. So I opted for her grandparent's house, the one place I knew about her for definite, and the place next door to my uncles house where I lived for a few years and we first met. So that night I finally bought the plant and brought it and the note to the house, it was raining, so I opted to leave the plant in the bag I got it and wrapped the note envelope as tightly as I could in another plastic bag. In the note I wrote "merry x-mass…happy birthday (her b-day was a day or two after the new year)…call me if you forgive… and if I don't hear from you I will leave you alone" and I did and worked on getting over it… for then.
Eventually one day in January I was either browsing people on myspace or doing some friend management (aka deleting unnecessary friends from list) and either came across her innocently in the browse or through viewing her friends profile (who had been on my friends list from the beginning for w/e reason) and saw her. Now note, at this point I was still under the impression that she had emailed me that weekend and deleted her account. When I clicked her, this was not true…
Very little had been changed, as had been true when we were together. It still read as the SN: Firefighters Wife; the headline: "Never explain-- Your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyways" and her profile read (paraphrased): that she never lies, always tells people how it is, and that she is the best of friend until someone gives her a reason not to. Now ever from the middle of our relationship I was conflicted over what was said in the profile: 1. she never, while we were together changed her SN or her status away from being wife/married. Even tho it is true and she may have mentioned this to me while we were still together: that the reason she didn't get the full divorce in October (as she told me from the beginning she would) was because she was "saving up" for it. 2. when, at this point, when I refound her profile and read it again, I found out how much of an idiot I had been in not believing her. 3. not to forget she has a psycho issue where she prefs firemen.
….back to what happened when I clicked her profile... so now I clicked it right, well what did I do? Well I emailed her and asked her a very simple question: "did you get my plant/note?" no answer. I left her alone again.
A few more weeks past and it is now February and for some stupid reason I stumble over her profile again. I read the about me section again. Now it says that she is with her husband of 5 years and love him soo much. I of course had to email her and curse her off and get all paranoid and break down again. I also emailed her friends telling them to have her finally answer me and how much of a ho-bag, bitch she is!! She finally emails me back and I tell her my feelings and what had actually happened that Saturday and how I was really beating myself up. She never even bothered to respond to my "did you get my note" email nor as I found out (some week in between I had slept over a friends house and my folks went nuts and called the cops cause I was away for nearly 24hrs. later I found out, nearly everyone in my phonebook had been called by either cops or my parents.) Ida was one of the ones called by the cops. So what did she do? She didn't bother contacting/emailing me to see if I was ok, she just went online to see if I had been on recently and got back to the police the next day after I had come home. I also emailed an edited part of something I had emailed Vic, that told her how she was a "lifeline when I was sick (if you are lucky enough you will find out howso) and that now she is a devil bitch" She apologized profusely. She also explained to me that she found it very "inappropriate" that I brought the note/plant to her grandparents. Beyond that she hasn't mentioned shit about it. So far as I know it either got too soggy in the rain or she never read it because of the "inappropriateness" of it. She said she didn't answer cause she thought that to be it as I did. I still say a nice lil phone call to say she didn't wanna here from me again would have been nice. She says she would understand if I never wanna speak to her again. She offers to return a cd of mine and I eventually suggest that I email her once a week, to attempt to stay friendly. She returned my cd that day/week, I could hardly look/speak to her when we finally met to do the exchange. That is currently the last time I know for a fact that I have seen her…my mother fell and broke her wrist last week and hadda go to that dr the next day and I was the one to drive her. I was soo paranoid in that office, lucky I was tired so I napped. I thought I caught a glimpse of her on the way out.
The hurting doesn't stop there though… now I (and I have learned from follow up emails she) can hardly listen to any of the band Hinder, esp. the song "lips of an angel". Not to say that this was "our song/band" but it did come out when we started our relationship and I bought the album because I believed the song to be about her. Ok so it is "our song/band". Every time I hear the song or sometimes another from that album I hurt soo bad.
I know it is over three months later, and everyone is telling me "get over it Seth! There are other fishes in the sea" but I keep saying to them and myself that "I ROYALLY FUCKED UP with someone that was very special to
To anyone else has made it this far, and is still serious in knowing me, these are just some of the reasons I may come off as an initial asshole and untrusting, so just beware and warned. And PLEASE READ follow up blogs.
